I Feel Like Van Gogh

Dear Aunt Aggy

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I feel as if my ear has been dislocated – and it hurts like hell. Obviously my shell-like is not hanging off and flopping around like a spaniel’s ear, but I really do have the sensation that it has been ripped out of place. Sometimes during the day, I can actually feel an incipient pseudo-dislocation coming on. My GP just looks at me as though I’m crazy. What can I do???

Percy Moo, Sevilla

Dear Percy Moo

Well, you have certainly brought the agony. I’m sorry to hear about your problem lughole but hopefully I can bring you some relief, although you may have to play my suggestions by ear. 

Let’s start by looking at potential causes. Firstly, have you offended any household sprites recently? I see you’re in Spain, so your home may be inhabited by a martinico or a trasgu (or something more specific to Seville). These are Spanish cousins of the domestic hob, and they are just as touchy. Should you find yourself on the wrong side of your household hobgoblin, retaliatory pranks are sure to follow, which may or may not include the odd ear tweak while you sleep. If you suspect this to be the case, try leaving a small bowl of milk or food out before you go to bed, which has been known to help smooth ruffled feathers.

Alternatively, you may have upset a Belgian witch. In which case you must check your pillow for needles, wreathes and roses as these could be the cause of your throbbing lobe. If you find anything untoward, it’s said replacing the pillow will cure all ills. 

And of course, if you’ve ‘done something’, the pain might be as a result of people talking about you. For it’s said that a painful left ear means you’ve impressed, but a painful right ear, not so much. But unless you’re front page news, they’ll soon find someone else to talk about.

However, if you believe yourself to be innocent of all of the above, you might want to try one of these remedies instead:

• Popping a crystal underneath your pillow – black tourmaline, rose quartz and amethyst are said to help with pain, amber with inflammation, and obsidian with healing
• Sleeping on your right side for luck
• Stuffing your finger between your fourth and fifth toe for ten minutes before sniffing it 
• Pressing a boiled potato to your ear

And had my mother not impressed upon me never to put anything smaller than my elbow into my ear, I might have suggested plugging your ear with wool from a black sheep, adder fat or a toe dipped in vinegar. 

As for your GP, when you next go to see them, stash a sprig of cinquefoil in your pocket, as it’s said carrying this herb will make you more expressive and persuasive. So you just might be able to bring them round.

Good luck!

The Folklore Agony Aunt 

Ps. If you have any further suggestions for Percy Moo, please leave them in the comments below.

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