Today was absolutely joyous. It’s Easter Monday and the original plan had been to commandeer my friends, Matt and Javier’s garden again and set up a Heinz Wolff/Krypton Factor-esque egg rolling competition, but with Other Life being what it is, the plan was changed to holding a Dregg Race.
Based on a mixture of RuPaul’s Drag Race and Brighton’s annual Easter Bonnet Parade and Drag Races, Dregg Race is all about some C21st Pace-egging, drag style.
The rules are as follows:
- Your dregg can be dragged up as a Queen or King
- Your dregg must have an egg related drag name like Cruegga De Ville or Quiche-lle Visage
- Bonus points will be awarded for Easter bonnets
- Props are permitted, but not essential
- Music may be used to introduce your dregg
- Above all, your dregg MUST be fabulous
- And remember, don’t fuck it up
First thing this morning, I blew out an egg, sloshed it through with water, and got to work. My original aim had been to create the fringed, plaid fantasy that is Tiger King’s Joe Eggzotic, but then I was stuck by even camper inspiration: Dynasty‘s Aleggsis Carrington. So I set about fashioning some diamante shoulder pads, and a hat worthy of 1980’s Denver.
At 3pm, my friends Susannah, Rachel, Matt and Javier joined me on a video call and the games began.
Susannah went first, and in her own words:
Denise Van Eggdon enters the catwalk to Mousse T. vs Hot n Juicy’s Horny. She is rocking Easter Egg Foil Couture in sky blue, tangerine, mustard and magenta. She is, of course, a family favourite, star of stage and screen.
Aleggsis Carrington sashays onto the runway in her signature martini glass to the strains of the Philharmonic Wind Orchestra playing the theme tune to Dynasty. She is modelling a red marabou and rhinestone creation, her Cecil Beaton inspired Easter bonnet adorned with pearls. Aleggsis embodies 80’s chic-k like no other.
Matt was third:
Lily Savegg arrives to the Blankety Blank theme tune. She features a leopard print couture gown, necklace by Kinder Surprise, and is rocking the black roots. She doesn’t feature an Easter bonnet as her hair is already heavy enough.
Next came Rachel:
Emerging onto the runway to Ecstasy by Courtney Act, Lacy Eggstacy. Lacy lives in Falmouth where she enjoys mixing with the plentiful supply of sea men. She always generously allows them to dip into her yolk. Today Lacy hides her modesty in a subtle, lacey veil and train. Unveiling her face reveals her fabulous golden locks and ever ready crimson pout.
And finally, Javier:
Entering to Two To Make It Right by Seduction, this is Mishell Vissegg. She has the hair up right, the body, the New Jersey necklace and the mole on the face like Madonna because she models herself after her. Make-up flawless as always. She’s here to take your man.
I did not stop laughing the entire time.
Then came the scores, our marks held up to the camera for me to tot up. And in reverse order:
In fifth place with 33 was Denise Van Eggdon.
In fourth place with 35 was Aleggsis Carrington (I was robbed)
In third place with 36 was Lily Savegg
In second place with 36.3 was Mishell Vissegg
And the winner, with a massive 37 was Lacy Eggstacy!
But a Dregg Race wouldn’t be a Dregg Race without a final lip sync battle. So with I Will Survive belting out of my speakers, we all performed our best Gloria Gaynor. And after much deliberation, I bring you the ultimate winner of Dregg Race 2020:
Entries are now open to Dregg Race 2021…
Plus, I love my friends.