I Can’t Fix My Broken Heart

Dear Folklore Agony Aunt

I broke and dropped my heart a couple of years ago, then someone stood on it and no matter what I do it won’t go together again, at least not in a way that holds properly. I am at my wits end, and have already tried: going on the rebound, drinking too much, facemasks, journaling, taking very long walks in the rain, eating cheese, stopping drinking, developing a caffeine habit, karaoke, a therapist and Zumba. Is there anything else I can do?!

Yours in anticipation,

Sad Girl, St Albans

Dear Sad Girl

Firstly, I cannot apologise enough for not replying to your message sooner. I’ve been suffering from a bout of life-interruptus and it’s taken me a while to get back on track. But enough about me, except to say, I feel for you, I really do. Broken hearts are a bugger to mend and it sounds like you’ve been doing all the right things (I can especially sympathise with the cheese eating method). While it would be easy for me to nudge you in the direction of fridge magnet platitudes about time and healing, instead I want you to put the oven on, for it’s said that 2 spoons of powdered earthworms (dried in the oven and then pulverised), mixed with white wine and taken before midday, will soon do away with any residual love pangs (and probably your taste buds, stomach acid and driving licence). 

However, should you wish to go a less-cruelty-to-invertebrate way, you could always try finding a fairy doctor and getting them to pour blast-water (not a euphemism) over you. But as fairy doctors are quite hard to come by these days, you might want to consider foraging for viper’s bugloss instead, even more so now as we near the solstice. This hairy, spiky blue flowered, spotty stemmed plant blooms between May and September is said to fall under the auspices of the sun (hence now being a good moment). And when in bloom, should you take a distillation or syrup of the root, it is said it will expel all griefs of the heart and bring comfort where there was none before. 

But if the above and the Zumba, the journaling, the cheese and the karaoke still aren’t enough, may I suggest you turn to fashion instead. Hindsight is a marvellous thing (and please don’t feel this is a judgement), but should your fragile heart have been neatly stowed in a sparkly little bag, it might have been saved the indignity of your butterfingers. If your heart is still in pieces (and a little squashed), look for something to carry it in so the day-to-day burden becomes less immediate and more supported. Snuggling your heart into a comfy pink bag may give it the freedom it needs to mend without you watching over it expectantly, particularly given pink is said to be a powerful colour for stimulating self-care and healing. 

Apologies again for not replying sooner and I sincerely hope this advice is positively and undeniably now out of date.

Good luck!

The Folklore Agony Aunt

Ps. If all else fails, you could always indulge in a bit of sympathic magic and lick a frog, thus transferring your malady to the unfortunate amphibian. It’s not recommended though.

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