Dear Folklore Agony Aunt
My family cursed me when I told them I was going to get a higher education degree in another country thinking I wanted to scorn them, but all I wanted was to live somewhere that looks like the Shire! I finished education with a great score and do all sorts of nice things to be noticed by employers but no one wants to hire me. Please help! What should I do to be rid of my family’s hatred of me forever! I just wanted to have a nice garden and a pantry full of cheese…
JV, Not the Shire
Curses are the pits. And families who throw curses on undeserving family members are the absolute worst. You have my every sympathy.
First off, it’s always best to double check a curse’s veracity, so I would find a hedgehog to stand in front of, and then try to answer some random questions. If this scenario results in a brain fog, quill erection combo, congratulations, you are indeed the proud owner of a hex. You could also check by burying yourself in a shallow grave wrapped in a hooded red woman’s cloak to see if you get delirious, but personally, I think finding a hedgepig feels less traumatic.
So you’re under a curse, what next? Well, let’s start with revenge. Not that I would ever recommend taking revenge, like making a poppet of the curser and sealing it in an internally mirrored casket so that their sins are forever reflected back on them. Or holding their bladder to ransom by weeing into a bottle, adding three small, sharp, pointy objects, like needles, a pinch of salt, stoppering it, and keeping the bottle next to the radiator to keep warm, giving your target a nasty bout of cystitis, or similar, until they lift the curse.
No, given that those partial to the Shire are known for their good nature, I would not recommend revenge, especially as it’s said that any curse thrown will return boomerang style, and three times as bad. Instead, I would look at ways to fortify yourself and your environment against the curse, because curses, like gifts, do not have to be accepted, and sometimes you just need a little support to say no.
One of the best ways to shrug off a nasty spell is to pump up your Etheric skin, your spiritual shield, so to speak. Get your aura glowing by looking after yourself and performing various salty, candle-lit rituals and the like, and the curse will bounce right off you. Think Ready Brek kid, and that negative energy won’t stand a chance. Once you’ve protected yourself, move on to your environment. You can do things like hang a hagstone behind your front door, or a rowan cross above it, or circle your home with a line of crushed up egg shells. And if you pop a glass of salt water under your bed, it’s said to soak up any residual negative vibes hanging around.
Now, as for enticing employers, you’ve got this. Especially if you carry a crust of bread in your pocket to attract prosperity. In fact, food stuffs are great at attracting good fortune when it comes to careers. For instance, a human-shaped knob of ginger is said to boost your chances of success and increase the possibility of new adventures. And it’s said that eating a pecan while visualising yourself in your dream job will ensure your future career. Or, you could go the floral feng sui route by growing a pot of basil or thyme in the north sector of your home, both great for promoting luck in your career and boosting confidence, with a double whammy of rosemary in opposite sector to bolster your reputation.
The dream of wanting an education, having a nice garden, and a pantry full of cheese is, in my opinion, not a punishable offence. And the fact you’ve already successfully started fulfilling your dream, despite a curse hanging over you, is a testament to your strength. Someone will hire you. You will eat much brie. And your heartsore will lessen. I’m sure of it.
The Folklore Agony Aunt
Ps. If you have any further suggestions for JV, please leave them in the comments below.
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Awesome advice. I’m off down to Lidl for some ginger and pecans, and I might also look for a bunch of tiny mirrors (shhh). I look forward to the next instalment.
Food good, curse bad. Glad you’re enjoying, Alison.
I thoroughly agree on the rebounding curse and would never retailate – except perhaps with the internally mirrored box, although I might also be tempted by the message in a bottle technique, On reflection, I think I’d play safe and stick with any solution involving salt. I’ve never had a cursed chip, crisp or bacon butty in my life!
Yes, best stay away from curses! And keep up the good work with the chips…